For years, adherents of Christian fundamentalism have insisted that “the gays” should not be allowed to marry, as it is clearly forbidden in the Bible. It is a great sin, they say. God has declared that homosexuality is wrong, and you shall surely burn in Hell. The passage most often cited to support this rhetoric is Leviticus 18:22. And if you flip to that particular verse—behold—it’s right there.

Leviticus 18:22: Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination.

Since we are obviously taking this 2,000-year-old, heavily edited collection of books to be the literal word of an Angry Desert God, we thought we should do some research and discover what else the good book condemns. It turns out there are hundreds of strange rules we must follow—from savagely beating your children for minor infractions to avoiding cheeseburgers—because mixing meat and dairy might violate that whole “don’t boil a calf in its mother’s milk” thing. From avoiding pork and shellfish to eating locusts but not beetles.

We have expertly explained a few of our favorite Bible laws below, but we urge you to scour that book and learn the rest of them for yourself. You can never be too careful when dealing with eternal damnation…

Leviticus 19:19: Neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee: Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.

Holy shit, Leviticus again! Apparently, condemning gay sex wasn’t enough—now they’re coming for that sweet cotton/nylon/polyester sports coat you love so much. Unreal.

This is very bad news for anyone who’s ever worn a garment made from a blend of fabrics. Naturally, we decided to check in with one of the largest Christian clothing companies on the internet, ChristWear.com, to make sure they were staying true to God’s dress code. And you won’t believe what we found—Not only can you pick up an ultra-snazzy “Ultimate Sacrifice” t-shirt for the low, low price of fifteen bucks, but you can also go straight to Hell for wearing it! Written right there in the product description are the words: “Some shirts are made from 100% cotton and some are 90% cotton & 10% polyester.”

What the hell, ChristWear? What kind of holy wardrobe roulette are you playing here? Some of your shirts are a cotton-poly blend? How do I know which one I’ll get? What if I end up with the mixed-fiber one? According to Leviticus, if I drape myself in one of your discounted salvation tees, I’m toast.

I can only imagine—truly, with great horror—how many unsuspecting souls have been cast into the lake of fire for unknowingly breaking God’s sacred fiber content rule while shopping for religious apparel. Jesus…

Deuteronomy 13:12-15: If you hear in one of your cities, which the Lord your God is giving you to dwell there, that certain worthless fellows have gone out among you and have drawn away the inhabitants of their city, saying, ‘Let us go and serve other gods,’ which you have not known, then you shall inquire and make search and ask diligently. And behold, if it be true and certain that such an abomination has been done among you, you shall surely put the inhabitants of that city to the sword, devoting it to destruction, all who are in it and its cattle, with the edge of the sword.

If you happen upon a city or town—anywhere in the world—and get the sense that some folks there might be worshipping a different god than yours, your first task is to go full Hardy Boys and launch a little amateur investigation. And if it turns out your hunch is correct? Then it’s time to get busy.

God says you must kill every single person in that city with a sword. But wait, there’s more. After you’ve finished your divine cosplay as Uma Thurman, you’re not done yet. Now it’s time to slaughter every cow, goat, and innocent piece of livestock that had the misfortune of being born in that “heathen” zip code. And remember: no stabbing. The Bible is very clear—you must use the edge of the sword. You gotta chop those poor bastards like a holy lumberjack. It’s the law.

Deuteronomy 13:5: And that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death; because he hath spoken to turn you away from the LORD your God. So shalt thou put the evil away from the midst of thee.

If someone has a dream that leads people away from God? They must be executed. Seriously? How the hell is that my fault? I can’t control what I dream. But hey, it’s in the Bible, so it must be taken literally. I know it’s 11 p.m., but I guess I’ll go make some coffee and prepare my defense before the Holy Inquisition knocks.

Leviticus 24:16: And he that blasphemeth the name of the Lord, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the Lord, shall be put to death.

Any of you sinners who curse or speak ill of the Christian God will be stoned to death. You hear that, Moms and Dads? If your kid ever says “goddamnit” or something similar, it’s not enough to correct them or give them a swat on the ass. No. Your God demands that you beat the little savages to death with rocks. And don’t forget to invite the whole church—this kind of thing is supposed to be a group activity.

1 Timothy 2:9: In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with decency and propriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array…

Motherfucker… You thought our economy was bad now—just wait until word gets out. According to scripture, women are to dress modestly at all times. No fancy clothes. No strappy high heels. No gold jewelry. No pearls. And for the love of God—no braided hair. Seriously, do you want to burn in Hell just because you pissed off Jesus by showing up to brunch looking like a harlot in heels and gold chains?

1 Timothy 2:12: But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.

Silence, ladies! The Apostle Paul has spoken. And if there’s one thing history has taught us, it’s that nothing says eternal truth like a celibate man from the first century laying down rules for modern women.

“Human decency is not derived from religion. It precedes it.”
– Christopher Hitchens

Author: Nick Allison is just a banged-up Army Infantry vet. He lives in Austin, TX with his wife, their kids, and two big, dumb, ugly mongrel dogs. Don’t take anything he says too seriously—he’s just trying to figure out this ride we call existence like everyone else. Also, he enjoys writing his own bio in third person because, let’s face it, it probably makes him feel more important.