The Ridiculous Biblical Argument for “Traditional” Marriage

“Man is kind enough when he is not excited by religion.” ~ Mark Twain

“If you are really bothered by gay people getting married, you’re an asshole. End of fucking story.” ~ Joe Rogan

I served as a squad leader in the U.S. Army Infantry, including a combat tour during the early stages of the Iraq WI served as a squad leader in the U.S. Army Infantry, including a combat tour during the early stages of the Iraq War. Whenever someone well-meaning thanks me for “fighting for our freedom,” I usually just smile and say, “No problem.” But to be honest, I don’t really believe what we did in Iraq had much to do with protecting American freedoms. Maybe American interests—but not freedoms.

That said, one freedom I would be proud to fight for is the freedom for people to live their lives as they wish—free from government interference and societal judgment, as long as they’re not harming anyone else.

Jesus, Gays, and Distractions

“Traditional marriage”—what an interesting phrase, especially when it’s thrown around in the debate over gay rights. It’s usually the battle cry of angry, self-identified Evangelical Republicans who’ve been told by religious leaders, politicians, and conservative pundits that they should feel outraged over social issues.

Let me clarify: this isn’t an indictment of all Republicans or Christians. Many people who follow the teachings of Jesus genuinely embrace love, charity, and forgiveness. I try to avoid labels and just focus on being a decent human being.

Still, in this country, those who are up in arms over the possibility of two men or two women getting married often identify as Christians. They would have us believe that if same-sex marriage is allowed, the institution of marriage will collapse, chaos will reign, and public schools will be flooded with hardcore gay pornography.

Or something equally absurd.

My wife and I have been happily married for ten years. If the lesbian couple down the street wants to enjoy the same legal benefits as us—tax breaks, medical rights, insurance coverage—why should I care? Gay marriage poses absolutely no threat to our relationship or family and has zero impact on your life either.

Two people getting married, regardless of gender, isn’t going to hurt you. So can we stop pretending that it will? The whole argument is a pointless distraction from the very real issues we face as a nation.

Leviticus: A Shining Example of Morality

What are we basing this definition of “traditional marriage” on? The Bible?

In biblical times, women were treated as property, often subjected to violence, and expected to be silent and obedient. Is that really the “traditional Christian marriage” we’re trying to protect?

If you’re clinging to the idea that marriage is a pure, biblical tradition that must remain untainted, remember that this tradition is yours alone. And that’s fine—feel free to uphold it in your own life. But don’t expect everyone else to conform to your beliefs. You wouldn’t appreciate it if someone told you that you couldn’t marry the person you love because it didn’t align with their beliefs.

In short: if it isn’t hurting anyone, don’t worry about it.
Or, as Jesus allegedly put it: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

And if Jesus isn’t traditional enough for you, maybe a passage from the Old Testament will resonate:

Leviticus 19:18 – “Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself.”

Of course, many fundamentalist Christians are familiar with Leviticus—it’s the source of the infamous anti-gay verse:

Leviticus 18:22 – “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination.”

Okay, but if you’re going to make Leviticus your moral guide, you’ve got to follow all the rules—not just the ones that support your current obsession with homosexuality. Here’s a quick refresher:

Preachers’ daughters who sleep around before marriage must be burned to death. (Leviticus 21:9)
It’s cool to own slaves, as long as they come from other nations. (Leviticus 25:44)
Don’t eat shellfish or pork. (Better start picketing Red Lobster.) (Leviticus 11:10 and 11:7)
Don’t cut the sides of your hair or trim your beard. (Leviticus 19:27)
Don’t wear clothes made of two different kinds of material—like that cotton/polyester blend shirt you’ve got on. (Leviticus 19:19)
And if you’ve ever lost your temper and said “Goddamnit,” the whole town must now beat you to death with rocks. (Leviticus 24:16)

“So do what I say. Do not do any of these sinful things that were done before you. Do not make yourselves sin by doing them. For I am the Lord your God!” – Leviticus 18:30

Let’s not forget that God loves the smell of burning cattle on an altar (Leviticus 1:9), considers menstruating women unclean (Leviticus 15:19–30), and forbids tattoos—even Bible verse tattoos. (Leviticus 19:28)

According to these laws, you’re damned either way.

There are countless other “abominations” in the good book, but who has time to actually read (let alone follow) all that stuff? Clearly, most Christians don’t.

So take the anti-gay Leviticus verse for what it’s worth—considering the source. Personally, I’ve never been comfortable with burning or stoning people to death.

As for the politicians and preachers who push this anti-gay rhetoric—no matter how often they talk about their love for “American values” or “Christian principles”—they are bigots. Plain and simple. And bigotry, even when wrapped in the flag and shielded by the Bible, is still bigotry.

In Closing

I’ll admit there’s one potentially valid argument against legalizing gay marriage: the argument that the government has no business regulating marriage or personal relationships of any kind between consenting adults, regardless of sexual orientation.

But that’s a different conversation for another day.

→ If you’d like to read something by somebody much more qualified than myself on the topic of traditional marriage, might I suggest this article by Dr. Christopher Ryan? Dr. Ryan, Ph.D. is an expert on the prehistoric roots of human sexuality and the coauthor of the New York Times bestselling science book, Sex at Dawn. Fundamentalist Christians will be particularly fond of this book. Buy it today!

Author: Nick Allison is just a banged-up Army Infantry veteran of the War in Iraq. He lives in Austin, TX with his wife, their children and two big, dumb, ugly mongrel dogs. Don’t take anything he says too seriously… he’s just trying to figure out this ride we call existence like everyone else. Also, he enjoys writing his own bio in third-person because it probably makes him feel more important.