With what feels like 17 nationally televised debates a day, it can be hard to keep up with the chaotic race for the Republican nomination. So here’s everything you need to know in three paragraphs.

Breaking: The African-American neurosurgeon and former candidate—known for his belief that the Egyptian pyramids were built by a biblical character to store grain—has now joined forces with a former KKK Grand Wizard to endorse the reality TV star with the infamous hair. This billionaire, who recently guaranteed voters that there is “no problem” with the size of his hands (and by implication, his manhood), has also secured the backing of the overweight authoritarian governor from New Jersey—shortly after encouraging his supporters to physically assault peaceful protesters at his rallies.

Meanwhile, the Cuban-American senator from Florida, now the establishment’s last great hope, has taken a break from making awkward jokes about the billionaire’s anatomy to focus on saving his flailing campaign in his home state—which he’s on track to lose by a landslide this Tuesday. The other anti-immigration senator in the race, an evangelical Cuban-Canadian from Texas, continues climbing in the polls with a message steeped in bigotry, fear, and holy war, positioning himself as the “more polished but equally extreme” alternative to the current front-runner.

Shockingly, the one adult in the room—the governor from Ohio, whom nobody seems to have heard of—remains the most sane and rational choice for the GOP nomination. At press time, he was polling in the single digits. Observers noted him staring into the middle distance, looking shell-shocked as he watched his beloved Republican Party crumble from within and spiral into irrelevance.

Author: Nick Allison is just a banged-up Army Infantry vet of the War in Iraq. He lives in Austin, TX with his wife, their children and two big, dumb, ugly mongrel dogs. Don’t take anything he says too seriously… he’s just trying to figure out this ride we call existence like everyone else. Also, he enjoys writing his own bio in third-person because it probably makes him feel more important.